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Title: Antiquity's Corollary
Author: GonnaBeFamous
Rating: PG-13
Status: WIP
Category: Severitus/Guardian
Summary: Lily begged me never to tell you what happened, Dumbledore continued, and I didn't want to cause you more pain.... The Past is meant to be left behind... Unless it affects the future. PreHBP (Severitus)
For a girl who claims to be fifteen years old, the writing in "Antiquity's Corollary" is surprisingly mature. If every fifteen year old in the fandom wrote like this, there would be a lot less bad!fic... hell, if every 20 year old in the fandom wrote like this there'd be a lot less bad!fic. GonnaBeFamous resists falling into some of the typical Severitus cliches for the most part. She manages to keep Severus in some semblance of character and the relationship between father and son develops quite slowly. They definitely don't jump from screaming at eachother to hugs and love. She has a firm grasp of the emotional aspects of the story. She captures the anger, the confusion, and the roiling emotions that would come with such discoveries (in regards to both Harry and Severus) quite well. She characterizes Dumbledore very well, which can be a feat in and of itself without making him a twinkley-eyed, loopy parody or an evil, manipulative bastard. I rather appreciated the way she revealed The Truth, it was fairly unique in the world of Severitus stories. The biggest problem with this story are that at times, she makes Harry have rather more insight into himself and others than I believe that he would have in this situation. In all, a good read.
Nessi (who also feels ashamed at her lack of postage)
I was not as fond of this fic as Nessime. I agree, for someone who is only fifteen, 'GonnaBeFamous' is a very good writer. The language is okay, the pacing fits and the characters have some depth (a quality far too many (fan-)fictional characters lack). As far as Severitus' challenges go, it is definitely among the better ones. However, I stopped reading around chapter 14 and had I not planned to write this review, I would have abandoned it far earlier.
I have read so many Harry Potter fiction that I have become very selective by now. Fics that do not offer anything new, where the characterisations are slightly off or where I do not like the pairings, end up in my 'tried but not liked'-folder quickly. As did 'Antiquity's Corollary'. There were just too many Americanisms, character interpretations that I do not agree with, clichés, predictable plot twists,... .
'Antiquity's Corollary' is not a bad story, no, far from it, but it is not an outstanding one either.
Maryx
guest-starring: Alexandra Dane
'Antiquity's Corollary' hypothesises is that Snape is Harry's father. At least, I think it does. I'm afraid I tuned out round about the time Snape and Dumbledore were arguing whether the baby Lily was carrying might possibly be Snape's or James Potter's. Admittedly I'm a Snarry fan and a heterosexual Snape plays no part in my perception of the Potterverse, but I was initially willing to suspend disbelief and give the story a proper trial. Unfortunately, I'm afraid the odds are just stacked against it from the start.
In theory I have no problem whatever with Snape being Harry's father. However anyone bringing forward this supposition needs to support it with a solid bit of characterisation to counteract the morose and solitary Snape we are shown in canon. I was utterly unconvinced by Snape and Lily as a married couple, and even less convinced by her telling him that she was carrying James Potter's baby simply because she didn't want *her* child brought up in a Death Eater household. It is very difficult to care about characters who behave like that. The way she tells him lacks all conviction, too; it's on a par with "Honey, I scraped your car." Was this really her only option? Would James *honestly* have accepted it so calmly? Despite what soap operas may try to sell us, real human people do not make such big decisions so lightly. I'm afraid, too, that the writer seems a little hazy about the actual mechanics of pregnancy; what on Earth is Lily's 'second term' supposed to be? Is she having two babies consecutively, and how many of them are Severus's? I think 'second trimester', while American, is a more comprehensible expression.
And there's no getting past those Americanisms. In the UK (where I think we all agree 'Harry Potter' is set) we don't have front walks or backyards, we don't 'make it to nationals' or have extra credits before University, and although some people 'hang out' and 'get on one another's case' that's because they're aping Americanisms from TV to be 'cool' and the last thing the Potter characters are is cool. I'll pass over 'matter-o-factly' and 'redissolusioned'. Until someone can show them to me in a dictionary I refuse to believe that they exist as words; I suspect 'matter-of-factly' and 'redissolved' were intended. However I can't, I positively can't, pass "ok". It is just possible that teenage characters like Ron and Hermione would say "okay" or even "OK", but "ok" in lower-case is "ock" (as in clock, tock, rock, etc.) and *nobody* says it. Particularly not Dumbledore. Show me in canon, either book or film, Albus Dumbledore saying either "ok" or "okay" and you get to use it in your fiction. Otherwise, find another way of having him say it. "Very well" is a perfectly adequate Dumbledorean equivalent.
And please, a little more attention to grammar; 'the sickening realization of to whom the voice belonged' produced in me only the sickening realization that there would be more of the same to follow.
I should also mention Harry's obsession with grades and timetables. A kid of his age panicking about exam results and the courses he wants to take I can accept; he's under a lot of pressure and it does make sense. But please, oh please, don't show us his timetable. The fact that it didn't translate into columns and ended up garbled is neither here nor there; it is information that has no place in a narrative text. The author may need to know what Harry's classes are at any time of day, but it's not necessary to show the reader. It just smacks of overt clever-cleverness, a flashy trick aimed to impress. An author should impress with her writing, not her ability to draw timetables.
A good knowledgeable editor or beta reader would have done this story the world of good. I sympathise with the fact that the author started on the journey without benefit of either, and I'm sure she'll have better support for future endeavours. However this highlights the fundamental flaw of the 'posting as one goes along' procedure; nothing which is posted is ever really in a finished condition. This is my main argument against WIPs being put online; that and the fact that many are never finished, because sometimes writers write themselves into corners which they can't get out of without altering earlier segments.
This young lady is apparently serious about being a professional writer. In that case, I'd urge that a lot more work, preparation and thought are necessary before sharing anything. Remember that genius is nine-tenths perspiration; it's the stuff that isn't fun to do – the research, the editing, the planning – which are most important in producing a good final result. Turning a beautiful phrase, having an excellent idea, simply aren't enough, because if you haven't done the slave labour as well what you end up with is the equivalent of a stage set – all surface and no depth. It may be very nice to look at, but would you want to try and live in it? But dig your foundations out, mix your mortar carefully, and you'll end up with something which will last longer than you will. Isn't that something to aim for?
- - - - -
~Alexandra Dane
Author: GonnaBeFamous
Rating: PG-13
Status: WIP
Category: Severitus/Guardian
Summary: Lily begged me never to tell you what happened, Dumbledore continued, and I didn't want to cause you more pain.... The Past is meant to be left behind... Unless it affects the future. PreHBP (Severitus)
For a girl who claims to be fifteen years old, the writing in "Antiquity's Corollary" is surprisingly mature. If every fifteen year old in the fandom wrote like this, there would be a lot less bad!fic... hell, if every 20 year old in the fandom wrote like this there'd be a lot less bad!fic. GonnaBeFamous resists falling into some of the typical Severitus cliches for the most part. She manages to keep Severus in some semblance of character and the relationship between father and son develops quite slowly. They definitely don't jump from screaming at eachother to hugs and love. She has a firm grasp of the emotional aspects of the story. She captures the anger, the confusion, and the roiling emotions that would come with such discoveries (in regards to both Harry and Severus) quite well. She characterizes Dumbledore very well, which can be a feat in and of itself without making him a twinkley-eyed, loopy parody or an evil, manipulative bastard. I rather appreciated the way she revealed The Truth, it was fairly unique in the world of Severitus stories. The biggest problem with this story are that at times, she makes Harry have rather more insight into himself and others than I believe that he would have in this situation. In all, a good read.
Nessi (who also feels ashamed at her lack of postage)
I was not as fond of this fic as Nessime. I agree, for someone who is only fifteen, 'GonnaBeFamous' is a very good writer. The language is okay, the pacing fits and the characters have some depth (a quality far too many (fan-)fictional characters lack). As far as Severitus' challenges go, it is definitely among the better ones. However, I stopped reading around chapter 14 and had I not planned to write this review, I would have abandoned it far earlier.
I have read so many Harry Potter fiction that I have become very selective by now. Fics that do not offer anything new, where the characterisations are slightly off or where I do not like the pairings, end up in my 'tried but not liked'-folder quickly. As did 'Antiquity's Corollary'. There were just too many Americanisms, character interpretations that I do not agree with, clichés, predictable plot twists,... .
'Antiquity's Corollary' is not a bad story, no, far from it, but it is not an outstanding one either.
Maryx
guest-starring: Alexandra Dane
'Antiquity's Corollary' hypothesises is that Snape is Harry's father. At least, I think it does. I'm afraid I tuned out round about the time Snape and Dumbledore were arguing whether the baby Lily was carrying might possibly be Snape's or James Potter's. Admittedly I'm a Snarry fan and a heterosexual Snape plays no part in my perception of the Potterverse, but I was initially willing to suspend disbelief and give the story a proper trial. Unfortunately, I'm afraid the odds are just stacked against it from the start.
In theory I have no problem whatever with Snape being Harry's father. However anyone bringing forward this supposition needs to support it with a solid bit of characterisation to counteract the morose and solitary Snape we are shown in canon. I was utterly unconvinced by Snape and Lily as a married couple, and even less convinced by her telling him that she was carrying James Potter's baby simply because she didn't want *her* child brought up in a Death Eater household. It is very difficult to care about characters who behave like that. The way she tells him lacks all conviction, too; it's on a par with "Honey, I scraped your car." Was this really her only option? Would James *honestly* have accepted it so calmly? Despite what soap operas may try to sell us, real human people do not make such big decisions so lightly. I'm afraid, too, that the writer seems a little hazy about the actual mechanics of pregnancy; what on Earth is Lily's 'second term' supposed to be? Is she having two babies consecutively, and how many of them are Severus's? I think 'second trimester', while American, is a more comprehensible expression.
And there's no getting past those Americanisms. In the UK (where I think we all agree 'Harry Potter' is set) we don't have front walks or backyards, we don't 'make it to nationals' or have extra credits before University, and although some people 'hang out' and 'get on one another's case' that's because they're aping Americanisms from TV to be 'cool' and the last thing the Potter characters are is cool. I'll pass over 'matter-o-factly' and 'redissolusioned'. Until someone can show them to me in a dictionary I refuse to believe that they exist as words; I suspect 'matter-of-factly' and 'redissolved' were intended. However I can't, I positively can't, pass "ok". It is just possible that teenage characters like Ron and Hermione would say "okay" or even "OK", but "ok" in lower-case is "ock" (as in clock, tock, rock, etc.) and *nobody* says it. Particularly not Dumbledore. Show me in canon, either book or film, Albus Dumbledore saying either "ok" or "okay" and you get to use it in your fiction. Otherwise, find another way of having him say it. "Very well" is a perfectly adequate Dumbledorean equivalent.
And please, a little more attention to grammar; 'the sickening realization of to whom the voice belonged' produced in me only the sickening realization that there would be more of the same to follow.
I should also mention Harry's obsession with grades and timetables. A kid of his age panicking about exam results and the courses he wants to take I can accept; he's under a lot of pressure and it does make sense. But please, oh please, don't show us his timetable. The fact that it didn't translate into columns and ended up garbled is neither here nor there; it is information that has no place in a narrative text. The author may need to know what Harry's classes are at any time of day, but it's not necessary to show the reader. It just smacks of overt clever-cleverness, a flashy trick aimed to impress. An author should impress with her writing, not her ability to draw timetables.
A good knowledgeable editor or beta reader would have done this story the world of good. I sympathise with the fact that the author started on the journey without benefit of either, and I'm sure she'll have better support for future endeavours. However this highlights the fundamental flaw of the 'posting as one goes along' procedure; nothing which is posted is ever really in a finished condition. This is my main argument against WIPs being put online; that and the fact that many are never finished, because sometimes writers write themselves into corners which they can't get out of without altering earlier segments.
This young lady is apparently serious about being a professional writer. In that case, I'd urge that a lot more work, preparation and thought are necessary before sharing anything. Remember that genius is nine-tenths perspiration; it's the stuff that isn't fun to do – the research, the editing, the planning – which are most important in producing a good final result. Turning a beautiful phrase, having an excellent idea, simply aren't enough, because if you haven't done the slave labour as well what you end up with is the equivalent of a stage set – all surface and no depth. It may be very nice to look at, but would you want to try and live in it? But dig your foundations out, mix your mortar carefully, and you'll end up with something which will last longer than you will. Isn't that something to aim for?
- - - - -
~Alexandra Dane
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